The Scientist’s notes were full of disjointed snippets of conversations involving random experiments. There was no timestamp in the recordings available, but the varied voices indicated instances of a lot of skipping around. Some notes seemed to have been hastily copied over from other recordings, and planted in the middle of failed attempts that were better thought forgotten. Some of the more coherent passages included the following:
“I’ve been growing living brains here, and I’m starting to wonder if they’re sentient.”
“There are SO many ethical implications here.”
“You’re right. We should be using living disembodied brains instead.”
“NO.”
“I see we’ve got our first volunteer here.”
“GET AWAY FROM ME.”
“More eyeballs! We need MORE eyeballs!”
“Don’t you think you’ve had enough?”
“I’ll tell you when I’ve had enough!”
“I think you have an eyeball problem.”
“I don’t have an eyeball problem! Maybe YOU have an eyeball problem!”
“I’ve just cloned an endangered animal! I plan to do extinct species next.”
“No Dinosaurs, please.”
“No, I’m going for Dodos. I understand they’re quite tasty.”
“Aren’t birds Dinosaurs?”
“Shh!”
“That reminds me, have you bled out yet?”
“I’ve been meaning to.”
“Don’t make me do it for you!”
(Waving scalpel sounds could be heard, until a voice rang out, )
“It’s all over but the screaming.”
“Why would you do this?!”
“SCIENCE!!”
“Seriously, why??”
“They haven’t made a movie out of this. Yet.”
“There are MULTIPLE movies about warning not to push science too far.”
“Any about outfitting cloned dinosaurs with Military weapons surrounded by Mutant Cockroaches?”
“Well, no, but - ”
“There you go. I want a schlocky movie about the dangers of outfitting cloned Dinosaurs with Military weapons surrounded by Mutant Cockroaches, and I want it NOW!”
“Wait, aren’t these normal cockroaches?”
“I’M A PROGRESSIVE THINKER.”
“Aren’t you worried about getting caught?”
“Please. I’ve broken the laws of physics so many times they’ve lost all meaning.”
“Science is basically taking learned past experiences, then combining that with new and creative ideas never conceived of before in new and creative ways. Such as... hmm..... what’ll happen if I stitch together a bunch of bodies together during a lightning storm? Let’s find out!”
“Using dead bodies?”
“That’s even better!”
“Why would you genetically engineer an EVEN MORE DANGEROUS Dinosaur than what ever existed in nature?”
“I wanted to see if I really could.”
“You know, licence to practice science just to see the potential implications of your labours doesn’t mean you should.”
“Well it SHOULD! If it’s possible to genetically engineer Frogs that emit sweat that causes disturbing hallucinogens, it should also be possible to create anthromorphic Cat Girls that have LSD running through their veins. Mental note - said Cat Girls should also have retractable claws in their fingers, knuckles and toes. And tiger stripes! Can’t forget the tiger stripes.”
(Sound of backing away slowly)
“We need to figure out how to do Dinosaur-Human CrossBreeds, so we can sell sexy Dinosaurs Girls to rich clients who want to make out with - ”
“SCIENCE HAS OFFICIALLY GONE TOO FAR.”
“I want to open a Spider/Scorpion Amusement Park! For the kiddies!”
“You hate children, don’t you?”
“With a passion.”
“What did you do?!”
“I made groundbreaking heinous discoveries to delight children everywhere! Adults may disprove of my methods, but they hate that I’m the leading cause of groundbreaking research in new fields. Thanks to my exploring uncharted territory, others who would’ve been otherwise uninterested are now breaking new ground and even greater schlocky movies!”
“You again!”
“Do I know you?”
“How can you not remember me?! I’ve killed you fifty times by now!”
“You’re going to have to be more specific.”
“Your inventions ruined my life!”
“More specific.”
“You destroyed the whole world!”
“More specific.”
“All the stars went Nova!”
“More specific.”
“You drained the sun for your little experiments!”
“More specific.”
“You brought me on as an Assistant, lulling me with promises of a better future, all while conducting unethical schemes for your true motives to reshape reality to your own whims.”
“Mmm, nope, sorry. I just can’t recall. You’re going to have to accept my condolences and move on from there. Unless, you’d be willing to accept my help?”
“I’d like a death ray to remove you from existence.”
“I’ve already crafted hundreds of those.”
“Those only work on the dead!”
“Isn’t that the definition of a death ray?”
Posthumous Verdict: “Worth it. Would Science again. Multiple times if necessary.”
She was so engrossed in the recordings that she didn’t notice how late she stayed, and was only notified by the cleaning crew admiring her work ethic going into overtime. Leaving the Building, she realized it would take too long to get dinner and double back, so she decided to grab her Rarebit order and go to the Scientist’s place along the way. Her head was still buzzing with the revelation of what she’d heard, and needed time to let it sink in, her mind both accepting and rejecting the truth she already knew.
When she arrived at the Scientist’s place, she started out saying, “We’ve got a problem. One of the Women confiscated most of the items I gave the Patient.”
When there was no response, she ventured further in and found him already engaged, watching a recording.
“Something interesting?”
“Oh, I was worried you wouldn’t show up! Was just going over one of my old notes. I once devised Robots that sustained themselves by eating cockroaches. As demand grew, the amount of energy required started to outpace demand. So, rather than refit the energy consumption to be more manageable, I devised an unique solution to the problem.”
“Bigger and bigger Cockroaches equal more and more energy for Robots! There’s absolutely no possible way this could ever go wrong.”
It all went horribly wrong.
The Cockroaches started rising up against the humans, and so they had to make bigger and better Robots to eat these Cockroaches. Then the Robots teamed up with the Cockroaches to take Humans down after finding out that Humans were notoriously tasty, and could’ve fueled them just as well. Then, once the war was won, the Robots turned against the Cockroaches.
<Who could have seen this coming?! If only we had been warned beforehand...>
<I TOLD you this would happen! Multiple times!! And you always claimed they would need us!!!>
<Don’t act so smug. No one likes a braggart.>
Having eliminated both military targets as well as food sources with ease, the Robots were left to fend for themselves the only way they knew how. By doing calculations at rapid speeds. And eventually, one stumbled upon a formula while in the midst of being in safe mode for an extended period.
[THIS HUMAN HAND DOESN’T TASTE LIKE COCKROACH]
[HERE’S THE PROBLEM IT’S ONLY BEEN ROTTING FOR A MERE 50 YEARS IT’S STILL FRESH]
[WHEN WAS THE LAST HUMAN AROUND HERE]
[AWHILE I CONFESS]
[WE SHOULD PROBABLY GET AROUND TO CLONING THEM BACK FROM THE DEAD WE CAN CREATE A ZOO AND HUNT THEM DOWN]
[THERE ARE HUNDREDS OF NARRATIVES WARNING US ABOUT THAT]
[THOSE WERE WRITTEN BY AN INFERIOR SPECIES WE WON’T REPEAT THEIR SILLY MISTAKES]
[IF YOU’RE ALREADY THINKING OF CREATING A HUMAN ZOO I SUSPECT IT’S ALREADY TOO LATE]
“Not one of my better ideas,” he sheepishly admitted.
Rather than being dismayed by the horrifying implications, the Girl was more impressed about how these private conversations were captured, overseen by an omniscient narrator.
“I’ve never even heard of the Robot / Cockroach war. How’d they manage to cover it up?”
“You don’t have to worry about that. It took place far away from here. Far far far away from here. In another realm where they served spicy cold drinks.”
“Why would anyone want a cold spicy drink? That sounds awful!”
“I want to experience every possible sensation at once. I want to taste hydrochloric acid without, you know, melting my tongue off.”
“Why would you want that???”
“I’m curious what poison tastes like. There are some species out there that consider it a delicacy. I want to see if they’re onto something. Admit it, you’d swallow it by the gallon if you didn’t have to worry about dying.”
“I’ll stick to soda water, thanks.”
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