In a secluded dimly lit location, a coalition of some of the most influential people around were gathered together; some of whom sound familiar, and some who don’t.
They converged around a table where they laid out their very important documents and the Mysterious Chanter in charge did an elaborate rhythmical movement with his arms while chanting the following words:
“Omma Gemma Op. Meeting Neyt Yo.”
The words spoken had the direct effect of making everyone present automatically respond in unison: “What?”
The Chanter snapped out of his trance, and said, “We have progressed so far that our meetings have to change with the times. And our language must change as well.”
This caused some nervous sideways glances in the room.
“Do we really need more meetings?”
“They’re a necessary evil.”
“We’re already operating in hard mode. Let’s not make this any more difficult than it needs to be. Let’s just do what needs to be done and get this over with.”
“What about the ritual - ”
“You just made that up on the spur of the moment.”
“Hewing tradition means having a tradition to begin with.”
“There’s no need to speak in code. None of this will ever get out. No one will ever know.”
“Who would even want to?”
“Confidentiality is paramount.”
“Now, let’s go over the minutes of our last meeting.”
- Asked where the minutes of the last meeting were.
- After some frenetic running around, they were found in the lobby, buried with all the other top secret meeting documents.
- After some panic, it was determined that no one else noticed them, which was both reliving and annoying.
- Queries were made if any notes of past secret meetings from other secret organizations were leaked. They were, but were determined to be too boring to care.
- Moved onto the main agenda, where old grudges flared up between members, and nothing productive got done.
- Said influential disruptive members were immediately executed and replaced. Meeting progressed smoothly from there.
- Meeting ended.
“Well, hopefully we’ll be more productive this time around. What’s the status?”
“The Birth rate and Death rates are fairly consistent.”
“That’s not good. At this rate, there’ll be more living than dead. We can’t have that.”
“And the wrong kinds of people aren’t dying quickly enough!”
“But the Death rate is equal across all lines.”
“Shift the goalposts until we get the results we want. The results we need.”
“Speaking of life and death, how’s the teaching going?”
“We’re still having trouble meeting our quota for honor students replacing the brain drain.”
“They’re just not motivated to learn.”
“The rising Death rate might have something to do with it.”
“There’s been numerous protests, mainly along the lines of, ‘You can’t get killed at school if you don’t go to school!’”
“A surprising statistic is that the number of deaths in schools is higher than for child soldiers in the Army.”
“So it’s safer to ship kids to War Zones than to teach them. Gotcha.”
“There’s another thing - we haven’t gotten as many replacement Teachers to make up for the losses.”
“Didn’t we get another influx lately?”
“They’ve been going off-world more than usual. We may have to outsource.”
“A sure way to raise the numbers for both is by having immigrants pick up the slack. They’re low-risk, and won’t get in too much trouble out of fear of being sent back.”
“What do we do once they’ve outlived their purpose? They’ll still be here.”
“Not to worry. First, they come over legally, then we claim they did something illegal in the process, detain them legally and deport them legally.”
“What basis do we arrest them for?”
“There’s any number of laws they can be infracted of. You’re imaginative enough to think of something.”
“‘They’re smuggling Immigrants inside their Children!’ Something like that?”
“We’ll workshop it. Moving on...”
“We keep finding ancient Artifacts that are far more advanced than anything we’ve been able to make.”
“The secrets behind the creation of such devices before our time shows a level of craftbuilding that has been largely lost.”
“One could say that these advanced civilizations were wiped out by falling prey to Barbaric less intelligent tribes.”
“Hence the need for increased Army investment above all else.”
“Agreed. You’ve got it.”
“From where?”
“Just divert funds from the Educational district.”
“Defund us at your own peril.”
“What’re you gonna do, fling second-hand erasers at us?”
“Our pencils are pretty sharp.”
“How’d you afford those?”
“You’ve never operated under a limited budget before.”
“I knew extending the Educational district to the Army was a bad move.”
“Well, there’s always the Health district.”
“Do that only if you want a short life,” an apathic voice echoed behind the pages of a trashy paperback.
“Well, that’s not much incentive.”
“Who wants to live forever?”
“What do we even need you around for anyways?”
“What’s the status on the frozen germs?”
“All virulent viruses and strains accounted for, ready to be released at a moment’s notice. Hopefully, it won’t come to that.”
“I guess the Food district will have to go hungry again.”
“That’s settled then. What’s the status with the Religions?”
“Still centered around the Crater.”
“They’re all safely within their comfort zones, each testing the waters, trying to carve out a piece for themselves, their territory remaining replenished even as parts of their membership are chipped away.”
“The only new element is this new group that’s popped up out of nowhere, vowing vengeance against all other religions. They’re mostly disorganized, but could be a problem sometime in the future.”
“We’ll look into it. Anything else?”
“There have been protests in response to our latest stringent rules.”
“Ungrateful ungrates! Why don’t they appreciate our oppressing them?”
“You’d think they’d look forward to being protected from having their internal nervous system expanded inside-out.”
“They’re saying that it’s their right to have their internal nervous system expanded inside-out if they want to.”
“As if they foolishly believe they have any rights.”
“Let them have their foolish beliefs. Let them expand into infertile Religions of their own.”
“Moving on, where are we, regarding Citizen RN^6GXx?”
“It’s looking troubling.”
“His stress levels has been dropping in several areas.”
“He no longer gets as upset when our people run into his path and get in his way. He’s getting too used to these constant interruptions.”
“That’s not good.”
“Haven’t the detours worked?”
“He’s skipped the normal paths entirely and chosen a completely different method of travel.”
“Those routes are specifically designed! It doesn’t work if he doesn’t get upset where he’s supposed to.”
“I checked those routes out. It’s a matter of timing.”
“Explain.”
“He’s still leaving too early before circumstances have reached their full potential. If he’s delayed half an hour later, he’ll be besot with glare in his eyes from multiple reflections. In addition, the noise will reach new crescendos that’ll play havoc with his relaxation time. Add all these factors up, and you’ll increase the likelihood of an accident, which will further slow down traffic, causing further stress.”
“Will the bottleneck create additional stress to all surrounded?”
“Of course. The question is whether we can afford a drop in schedule.”
“Considering the alternative, it’s a reasonable compromise.”
“Anything else we can do to increase his stress levels?”
“His only relief comes from drinking a particular brand of drink that only he consumes.”
“*I* happen to like that particular brand!”
“What changes would you be willing to accept?”
“None! It’s perfect the way it is!”
“This is for the greater good.”
After some grumbling sounds, the following advice was reluctantly given: “I suppose the outer container could be modified to be bumpier and the top made smaller.”
“That certainly would make ME upset.”
“Why don’t we just poison him and get it over with?!”
“His suffering at these specific points is paramount.”
“Otherwise, it’ll just go to waste.”
“Last item on the Agenda, the ever-popular request from our Founder.”
“Thank you. For far too long, we’ve been at the mercy - ”
“We’re all familiar with your pitch. How ‘bout you get straight to the point?”
“God is becoming too much of an hindrance. He’s constantly setting us back light years while simultaneously propelling us years ahead before we’re ready.”
“You’re mixing your metaphors again.”
“The numerous plans I’ve accumulated are in danger of running dry, and are little more than band-aid stopgaps in place of an actual solution. I propose that we take this endeavor I’ve outlined here.”
Numerous pages of flipping through data could be heard.
“The cause of our setbacks is because of GOD’s obsession with the Black Man. Once the Black Man is taken care of, GOD will become easier to deal with.”
“We’ve seen the plans. Most of us still aren’t convinced.”
“I concur. I’ve gone over the math, and the colours don’t work. There doesn’t seem to be much motivation for undergoing a task of this dimension. Following your present plan is too risky. It is sprawling and unfocused.”
“What do I need to do to convince you otherwise?”
“Outline the benefits and demerits for doing so. It is a massive undertaking and needs to be broken down.”
“Either change it or create more favorable circumstances where your plan has a higher rate of success.”
“Thank you for your valuable input,” the Man with the Mustache cooly replied.
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